Secret Chinese Enlightenment
One of my all-time favorite parts of the video game Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines is an old Chinese man who offers to tell your fortune when you visit Chinatown. The guy’s a total caricature, but so are a lot of people in the game, and he’s pretty hilarious. The little guy goes, “Hey you! You want your fortune read? You give me five dollar, I give you ’secret chinese enlightenment.’ Only stupid person not want to know future!” Of course, you can’t help but give him the money, and each time you do, he tosses out a real gem of fortune telling.
The reason for this post is because I was recently reminiscing about my last playthrough and I tried Googling for a list of all the funny things he says. Alas, the internet failed me and I couldn’t find anything! My wife happened to be playing the game today, so I got her to let me write down the guy’s words as she fed him fivers. So here is my immortal contribution to the internet: a list of the guy’s fortunes.
- That guy you work with? Yeah, he take all credit for your idea!
- You see orange cat on Tuesday! Woah, that bad! Call doctor!
- One year from this day, you going to get mysterious package! DON’T OPEN! Music club will own your ass then!
- Here your lucky numbers. WRITE DOWN I not repeat! Here go: 11, 17, 25, 93, 11, and, uh 62.
- Next time you get on plane, change seat to exit row. This make sure you not sit next to big fatass!
- You going to go to fancy restaurant. You going to order snails. DON’T EAT THEM! That disgusting! Snail very dirty!
- Ahh, love will find you next week. Don’t stay in love too long; husband find you too!
- You going to get a visitor at your door next week. DON’T OPEN DOOR! It Jehovah witness! They so annoying!